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Teacher fakes attack, TMC Newsbreak is there!

Copyright 2000 Toronto Star Newspapers, Ltd.
The Toronto Star

April 12, 2000, Wednesday, Edition 1


LENGTH: 220 words


TUCSON, Ariz. (AP) – A teacher who reported being shot in her
classroom confessed to authorities that she shot herself.

Kathy Morris told authorities she did it to highlight the lack of security at La Cima Middle School, Pima County sheriff’s spokesperson Deanna Coultas
said yesterday. ”However, we’re dealing with irrational thinking and irrational behavior.”

Coultas said authorities were looking into other motives and past incidents with the school but declined to elaborate, citing confidentiality issues.

Morris reported Monday being shot in her classroom by a young Hispanic man after excusing herself from a staff meeting, about 90 minutes before
students were to begin class. No students were on campus at the time, officials said.

Morris, 35, was in fair condition yesterday at University Medical Centre.

”Ms Morris’ allegation was destructive, damaging, and insulting to our students and members of the district’s minority community,” Superintendent Robert
Smith said.

Morris was placed on paid administrative leave, pending an investigation, Smith added.

Investigators found a gun that had been fired once in a false bottom of Morris’ purse, Coultas said.

The Pima County attorney’s office was seeking to have her sent to a mental health centre.

From TMC newsbreak
TMC NewsBreak is a series of fake news items culled from my perusings of the news and my own mind. This fake news is completely and utterly fake, and is not real. Anyone who thinks this fake news isn’t fake, but instead is real (which it’s not) after reading this disclaimer bears the brunt of all responsibility resulting from their failure to realize that the following fake news item is, in fact, fake and not real at all.


Teacher Lauded as Hero

Schools around the country will be safer soon, thanks to the actions of one heroic teacher who’s stunning example exposed a gaping flaw in our nation’s educational system.

Beginning immediately, the Education Department will issue guidelines all schools can take to prevent future incidents of psychotic teachers shooting themselves in the shoulder and blaming ethnic minorities for it.

Kathy Morris, a teacher in a Tucson middle school, is expected to meet with President Clinton at the White House this week to receive a Distinguished Education Excellence award for her tireless work in exposing the problem, now named Neo-Unstable Teacher Shootings, or “NUTS”.

Morris began her campaign by sending numerous threatening letters to herself, but the world didn’t really stand up and take notice until Monday, when she removed a pistol from a false bottom in her purse and shot herself in the shoulder, then reported that a young Hispanic man had committed the act.

“If it was this easy for me to snap, shoot myself, and blame some damn wetback, then our nations children are all at great risk”, Morris said during a Washington press conference. “Of course, I only did it to expose the horrible danger, but right now, even as we speak, there could be some middle school teacher out in the Southwest, slowly being driven mad by her students’ constant talk of N’Sync and The Rock, each day growing closer and closer to that fateful moment when, to show all of you bastards, she shoots herself in the shoulder and ignores years of crime dramas on TV that explain that police can usually figure out how
far away gun was when it was shot. Hypothetically.”

Current plans by the Department of Education recommend keeping a “close eye” on any teacher who displays the wild hair, darting eyes, or bloodied knife common to most psychopaths, and to place any teacher suspected of shooting themselves in the shoulder on paid administrative leave indefinitely to send a strong message that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.

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