Summer Fun 6/07/00 (and the aftermath)

Bob v. Lupo! South v. North! Slightly entertaining!

So, why is this one here despite the fact that Odessy became Hallmark and canceled all of the interesting programming? Well because it kicked off a squabble between Lupo and myself. For the record I was merely mocking him for having to go to Summer School with Rob Friedman (a fate most people agree to be less desirable then contracting a mild STD), not for having to go to summer school.

OK Hep-cats, this one will be short because i am trying desperately to make the last piece of the “Bob’s Build Your Own PC Project” fall into place. This is the point where i remind myself that this is what i wanted to build it to be a l33t Hax0r. This is the point where self reminds me that it just wanted the bragging rights and a sweet gaming rig and frankly could have been just as deluded had everything gone according to spec.
On a related note any and all advice from me on why one computing platform is “Insanely great” can no longer be ignored or thought to be uninformed.

OK TIME FOR FUN!
1. Determine if your local cable company carries the Odessy Network
if yes go to step 4, if not continue chronologically
2. Call them and demand that they provide you with Odessy Network or else you will kill this innocent looking fish.
3. if they call your bluff, buy a DirecTV dish.
4. tune to the Odessy on weekdays at 6:00 pm (5:30 if you want to watch ALF) for the original muppet show goodness.

If that does not float your boat mock Lupo for being in the same summer class as my roommate.

Log on next week when Summer fun tells you what you have to pack for those of you who are going to ENDI *COUGH* ::Sugh::

– Robert “IRQ my @$$” Morrison

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Sadly, Lupo’s reply is lost to the ages, but parts of it are quoted in my reply:
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Ladies and gentlemen, If i could have your attention, please. Many of you know me as TV?s Bob, a man dedicated to entertainment and merriness. But there is nothing merry about what I have to talk to you about tonight. There is a cancer afflicting our great nation, and unlike those problems you hear about on the news, this one strikes at home. Friends, throughout the world, and even right here in our own BF there are people compelled to read everything that is posted to the internet. Often these people will read messages that they know will hold no value for them. Even weekly “content,” where some sort of accumulated memory gives normal people the ability to reason out their actions, is a bitter temptation to these people.

To illustrate, the disease, let us consider one unfortunate individual, Pon Laul Jupo, from the name we assume he is a pirate, a vocation chosen no doubt, to keep him away from the technology that tortures his soul.

The problem, Compulsory Electronic Reading Against Private Intent, CERAPI, is a recent, but devastating affliction. It leaves sufferers with CERAPI lives filled with CERAPI activitys.

1. Stuff an apple in Bob’s mouth and roast him on a stick.
Often they will strike out against those who can create ?content.? While the society at large admires creativity, without the gift of personal taste, CERAPI people are slaves to other?s writing.
2. Call up a chinese restaurant and order lots of pizza to bob’s house.
A violent cry for help. He can not control himself, so he must fill his life with non-sequiter diversions. I ask you: Is this any kind of life?
3. Sit around all day long and think of learnlink messages that no one cares about.
Here the writer shows how he is the epitome of CERAPI and attempts to emulate what he feels the unintentional tormenters are doing. The faceless nature of the medium allows for such outrageous hyperbole.
4. Masturbate … early and often.
CERAPI is, at its core, a compulsion. In 87% of cases, the subjects had, ahem, . . . other compulsions too.
5. Use learnlink.
Scientists studying CERAPI people have determined that the compulsion also affects short term memory. This is what keeps the CERAPI people from remembering past writing and avoiding it. Here, it just displays itself as repetition.
6. masturbate again
Here, our subject has combined two parts of his affliction into a single concept. The combination proves so powerful, that our subject is unable to deviate from it for the rest of the letter.
7. also masturbate.
I once heard of a dog who was hit by a car. This dog had spent his entire life, since birth, stuck under a front steps. Once he finally escaped, he was struck down by the car. In addition, the dog?s only friend was a lonely boy who was dying of Leukemia. The only bone marrow donor that would match was the dog, so when the dog died, he also killed his only friend.

Even this story did not make me as sad as the letter here. The effects of this disease are truly devastating.
8. watch different strokes … masturbate again.
Sugh.

Love and kisses,

El Jupo
Our piratŽ appears to have picked up language skills in his travels, unfortunately, this most likely has only allowed his affliction to grow.

But there is hope. A contribution of just pennies a day can go to help those who are compelled to read everything on the internet. The compulsions can be averted by smashing the computers of those you love. For the other compulsions, the society has procured a bulk shipment of Real Dolls¨ and one will be on its way to our unfortunate friend who wrote in. But this is not one of those times where a cure is unavailable.

One brave organization has stepped up to combat this disease. The Church of Scientology. The organization that entertained the world with Battlefield Earth, now is helping CERAPI internet users. Through the use of ?audits? and enlightenment, Scientology can make CERAPI people ?clear.? They work to eliminate the engrams that torture these sad individuals.

How can you help? for more information, visit www.scientology.org and take the FREE personality test. It?s FREE! This will let you know if you are a victim of CERAPI and give the church a way of contacting you.

Please, don?t just sit there. Together we can beat this thing.

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