Archive for Cinema de Snarky

Eyelid restraints

EYES WIDE SHUT an essay by Jamie Stuart

Sort of like the best of the Matrix retrospectives, it’s at times just valuable for the inherent ideas contained within, because you can’t always believe that this interpretation is the right one. But, we revere these structures without proven foundation in literary analysis — why not film? (And this, by the way is one of the ways that “borrowing” media, which the author’s final two paragraphs pillory, can become a dependent but distinct work of value to society.)

(Via a “see also” on DF)


Sic ’em Foamy

Batman & Robin | The A.V. Club:
The AV club does a series called commentaries of the dammed where they review the commentary tracks for DVDs of bad movies. It’s not a great feature, but they occasionally hit pay-dirt. When I saw that it was taking on that vile movie Batman and Robin and a commentary by the man I hate most in the entire world of creative endeavors, Joel Schumacher, I figured it could not miss. Well, unless they dug up new dark thing for me to lament.

Commentary in a nutshell: “There was enormous pressure on us to create more inventions in the film that could be turned into toys. I learned a new phrase in my life called ‘toyetic,’ [which means] whether a movie is ‘toyetic’ or not and how many toys people can get out of it. Hence, a lot of toys in this movie.”

Now, as far as I know that was a word invented by Freakazoid for the Freakmobile. Which means one of three things:

  1. The word was in fact pre-existing, in which case Freakazoid is slightly less original than I thought
  2. The show has enough traction to change the common vocabulary of Hollywood yet there is STILL NO DVD AVAILABLE.
  3. Schumacher watches Freakazoid.

NONE of these things are welcome. Thanks Joel, for giving me one more reason to hate you.

Comments (1)

Said it before; say it again

I love the Tampa Theater; I love the Mighty Wurlitzer.


I do not, however, love Jesus is Magic.


Get taken to a dreamworld of magic

You can call us Arron Burr from the way we’re drop’n Hamoltons.


But don’t order yet

This movie has THINGS! Lots of things.
Thing after thing after thing.
I could go on all day listing the things it has, and I WILL.
Never doubt that this movie will have things or I shall read the list a second time to prove it has things.

And maybe lesbians.


“Just Friends” has broken Roger Ebert’s mind

There is so much chemistry involved with the Anna Faris character, however, that she can set off multiple chain reactions with herself, if you see what I mean.

Roger, at no point during this entire review did I have the slightest idea what you meant.


A loan and the snark

Uwe Boll is something of a whipping boy for the video gamer culture. Movie after movie transforms video game stories and characters into god-awfull movies. For this, he is hated and feared by GND with sore thumbs. Personally, I’m not that bothered by him. Two reasons:

  1. I like bad movies. Since Mike and the ‘bots holed up in a 1/1 garden view I’ve had to roll my own. Laughing and mocking bad movies is far more enjoyable than the movies i see which are just O.K.
  2. Nothing he has ever made was based on a good story anyway. When he makes Beyond Good and Evil the Movie staring Rachael Lee Cook, or Psychonauts with that Malcolm kid as Raz, then I’ll join in.

Still, some random web site has come up with a theory of why his movies suck as much as they do. And, using reasoning I have not seen for nearly two full semesters now, it’s primarily based on tax law.

Feature Content – Uwe Boll: Money For Nothing:



From the writer of Jumanji? Really? Are you SURE? I mean, what amazing range he has as a writer!


Eternal graphing of the hopeless nerd

Top Ten lists, and an icon-histogram? Great. But should have used a concordant poll.



OK, lets be clear. Robert Duval IS the best damn actor of out time, but Lucas is spotty at best.

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