OK Hep-cats, this one will be short because i am trying desperately to make the last piece of the “Bob’s Build Your Own PC Project” fall into place. This is the point where i remind myself that this is what i wanted to build it to be a l33t Hax0r. This is the point where self reminds me that it just wanted the bragging rights and a sweet gaming rig and frankly could have been just as deluded had everything gone according to spec.
On a related note any and all advice from me on why one computing platform is “Insanely great” can no longer be ignored or thought to be uninformed.

OK TIME FOR FUN!
1. Determine if your local cable company carries the Odessy Network
if yes go to step 4, if not continue chronologically
2. Call them and demand that they provide you with Odessy Network or else you will kill this innocent looking fish.
3. if they call your bluff, buy a DirecTV dish.
4. tune to the Odessy on weekdays at 6:00 pm (5:30 if you want to watch ALF) for the original muppet show goodness.

If that does not float your boat mock Lupo for being in the same summer class as my roommate.

Log on next week when Summer fun tells you what you have to pack for those of you who are going to ENDI *COUGH* ::Sugh::

- Robert “IRQ my @$$” Morrison

Ladies and gentlemen, If i could have your attention, please. Many of you know me as TV?s Bob, a man dedicated to entertainment and merriness. But there is nothing merry about what I have to talk to you about tonight. There is a cancer afflicting our great nation, and unlike those problems you hear about on the news, this one strikes at home. Friends, throughout the world, and even right here in our own BF there are people compelled to read everything that is posted to the internet. Often these people will read messages that they know will hold no value for them. Even weekly “content,” where some sort of accumulated memory gives normal people the ability to reason out their actions, is a bitter temptation to these people.

To illustrate, the disease, let us consider one unfortunate individual, Pon Laul Jupo, from the name we assume he is a pirate, a vocation chosen no doubt, to keep him away from the technology that tortures his soul.

The problem, Compulsory Electronic Reading Against Private Intent, CERAPI, is a recent, but devastating affliction. It leaves sufferers with CERAPI lives filled with CERAPI activitys.

1. Stuff an apple in Bob’s mouth and roast him on a stick.
Often they will strike out against those who can create ?content.? While the society at large admires creativity, without the gift of personal taste, CERAPI people are slaves to other?s writing.
2. Call up a chinese restaurant and order lots of pizza to bob’s house.
A violent cry for help. He can not control himself, so he must fill his life with non-sequiter diversions. I ask you: Is this any kind of life?
3. Sit around all day long and think of learnlink messages that no one cares about.
Here the writer shows how he is the epitome of CERAPI and attempts to emulate what he feels the unintentional tormenters are doing. The faceless nature of the medium allows for such outrageous hyperbole.
4. Masturbate … early and often.
CERAPI is, at its core, a compulsion. In 87% of cases, the subjects had, ahem, . . . other compulsions too.
5. Use learnlink.
Scientists studying CERAPI people have determined that the compulsion also affects short term memory. This is what keeps the CERAPI people from remembering past writing and avoiding it. Here, it just displays itself as repetition.
6. masturbate again
Here, our subject has combined two parts of his affliction into a single concept. The combination proves so powerful, that our subject is unable to deviate from it for the rest of the letter.
7. also masturbate.
I once heard of a dog who was hit by a car. This dog had spent his entire life, since birth, stuck under a front steps. Once he finally escaped, he was struck down by the car. In addition, the dog?s only friend was a lonely boy who was dying of Leukemia. The only bone marrow donor that would match was the dog, so when the dog died, he also killed his only friend.

Even this story did not make me as sad as the letter here. The effects of this disease are truly devastating.
8. watch different strokes … masturbate again.
Sugh.

Love and kisses,

El Jupo
Our piratž appears to have picked up language skills in his travels, unfortunately, this most likely has only allowed his affliction to grow.

But there is hope. A contribution of just pennies a day can go to help those who are compelled to read everything on the internet. The compulsions can be averted by smashing the computers of those you love. For the other compulsions, the society has procured a bulk shipment of Real Dolls¨ and one will be on its way to our unfortunate friend who wrote in. But this is not one of those times where a cure is unavailable.

One brave organization has stepped up to combat this disease. The Church of Scientology. The organization that entertained the world with Battlefield Earth, now is helping CERAPI internet users. Through the use of ?audits? and enlightenment, Scientology can make CERAPI people ?clear.? They work to eliminate the engrams that torture these sad individuals.

How can you help? for more information, visit www.scientology.org and take the FREE personality test. It?s FREE! This will let you know if you are a victim of CERAPI and give the church a way of contacting you.

Please, don?t just sit there. Together we can beat this thing.

• film your own “Friends” opening credits in the fountain.
• Rush up to someone wearing a sports Jersey and demand an autograph. remark how different they look in person.
• stand outside the movie theater polling people in line on how they like the endings of the big movies. if they have not seen them yet, then tell them how it ends so you can get their opinion. if they complain, tell them it will be your ass if this clipboard is not finished by noon. ignore their attempts to convince you that it is after noon and that you are not holding a clipboard.
• Walk everywhere crouching. Claim you’ve got scurvy and try to buy vitamin C from everybody you pass. tell them the metabolife cart did not have any.
• Offer stupid money exchanges. Ask to trade eight dimes for one dollar. if they refuse call them racist.

Background:
Copyright 2000 Toronto Star Newspapers, Ltd.
The Toronto Star

April 12, 2000, Wednesday, Edition 1

SECTION: NEWS

LENGTH: 220 words

HEADLINE: TEACHER CONFESSES TO SHOOTING HERSELF

BODY:
TUCSON, Ariz. (AP) – A teacher who reported being shot in her
classroom confessed to authorities that she shot herself.

Kathy Morris told authorities she did it to highlight the lack of security at La Cima Middle School, Pima County sheriff’s spokesperson Deanna Coultas
said yesterday. ”However, we’re dealing with irrational thinking and irrational behavior.”

Coultas said authorities were looking into other motives and past incidents with the school but declined to elaborate, citing confidentiality issues.

Morris reported Monday being shot in her classroom by a young Hispanic man after excusing herself from a staff meeting, about 90 minutes before
students were to begin class. No students were on campus at the time, officials said.

Morris, 35, was in fair condition yesterday at University Medical Centre.

”Ms Morris’ allegation was destructive, damaging, and insulting to our students and members of the district’s minority community,” Superintendent Robert
Smith said.

Morris was placed on paid administrative leave, pending an investigation, Smith added.

Investigators found a gun that had been fired once in a false bottom of Morris’ purse, Coultas said.

The Pima County attorney’s office was seeking to have her sent to a mental health centre.

From TMC newsbreak
TMC NewsBreak is a series of fake news items culled from my perusings of the news and my own mind. This fake news is completely and utterly fake, and is not real. Anyone who thinks this fake news isn’t fake, but instead is real (which it’s not) after reading this disclaimer bears the brunt of all responsibility resulting from their failure to realize that the following fake news item is, in fact, fake and not real at all.

4/12/00

Teacher Lauded as Hero

Schools around the country will be safer soon, thanks to the actions of one heroic teacher who’s stunning example exposed a gaping flaw in our nation’s educational system.

Beginning immediately, the Education Department will issue guidelines all schools can take to prevent future incidents of psychotic teachers shooting themselves in the shoulder and blaming ethnic minorities for it.

Kathy Morris, a teacher in a Tucson middle school, is expected to meet with President Clinton at the White House this week to receive a Distinguished Education Excellence award for her tireless work in exposing the problem, now named Neo-Unstable Teacher Shootings, or “NUTS”.

Morris began her campaign by sending numerous threatening letters to herself, but the world didn’t really stand up and take notice until Monday, when she removed a pistol from a false bottom in her purse and shot herself in the shoulder, then reported that a young Hispanic man had committed the act.

“If it was this easy for me to snap, shoot myself, and blame some damn wetback, then our nations children are all at great risk”, Morris said during a Washington press conference. “Of course, I only did it to expose the horrible danger, but right now, even as we speak, there could be some middle school teacher out in the Southwest, slowly being driven mad by her students’ constant talk of N’Sync and The Rock, each day growing closer and closer to that fateful moment when, to show all of you bastards, she shoots herself in the shoulder and ignores years of crime dramas on TV that explain that police can usually figure out how
far away gun was when it was shot. Hypothetically.”

Current plans by the Department of Education recommend keeping a “close eye” on any teacher who displays the wild hair, darting eyes, or bloodied knife common to most psychopaths, and to place any teacher suspected of shooting themselves in the shoulder on paid administrative leave indefinitely to send a strong message that this kind of behavior will not be tolerated.